Ryan’s Blog

Shaking, ashamed, and wide-eyed is how I played my part the night before my departure. My clothes were dirty, stomach and gas tank empty, hair disheveled, and music blasting from the little white earbuds dangling from neck. I was on a mission; one that I only figured had to lead me in the right direction. I was MANIC.

So there I was, standing at the front desk of a crummy hotel with my friend and a pretty girl I had only met the night before (or maybe 2 nights before? I hadn’t slept in awhile…). My buddy was kind enough to put me up in the room for my final day in New York. I have since thanked him sincerely, but that night money didn’t really make any sense to me at all. He paid the man behind the counter, handed me a key card, and I grabbed as many apples from their welcome basket as I could carry. The man said something to me, probably along the lines of, “Please don’t be a jerk, sir” but my mind was already bathing in ‘feel good’ brain chemistry that nothing he said really mattered. I glided up to my room with my bounty of apples and unlocked my 16 hour sanctuary before diving onto the lavish king sized bed. There could not have been a nicer gift than this room! I had been living homeless for a few months through the winter and hadn’t had my own room since I first fell ill after a devastating head injury 2 years before. This was going to be headquarters for my farewell!

Laughing and beaming from ear to ear, I dumped all the contents of my backpack onto the bed. I impulsively started organizing all of my (unclean) clothes and toiletries around the room and bathroom. Cleaning is always my way for dealing with anxiety. As I was putting my medicines away, I took note that I probably had not taken them for almost 4 days. I was aware that the absence of the medicine was affecting me, but I most certainly didn’t want to take them that day because I didn’t want to come down from the high. Instead, shoved the pills back into my bag and began making some complimentary coffee.

It felt so good to have my belongings put away! I had been living out of my pack for too long. The sense of accomplishment fueled an impulsive rush out to my car to clean and organize it, too! The state of disarray that the vehicle was in was appalling. Garbage filled the back seats and floor space entirely. The trunk held the overflow of my mail, newspapers, books, and assorted articles of winter clothing. I literally spent 20 solid minutes picking up just the trash laying around everywhere. My disgust turned to pleasure once I had finally filled the big white trash bag and caught a glimpse of the long occluded carpeting and mats. I wasn’t sure how to organize the remaining random items, so I just purged them as well! I hadn’t needed them recently and I certainly wouldn’t need any winter clothing once I made it south to Florida.

Ryan’s Blog

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